by Marcia Hall
When children are fighting and bickering, as a nanny your instinct might be to run and fix the problem or separate them. This may be your first reaction because you believe that this is your job to teach them not to fight with people. This is a noble and proper goal, but fixing the problem does not teach them to get along. It teaches them that fighting with each other gets them attention. Generally the loudest “yeller” gets head the most. This means that you are also teaching children to scream loudly and tattle on their siblings.
The best thing you can do for your own sanity and for those children when they are fighting is to step back. Let them work it out. As a nanny and a parent I know this is next to impossible. It is hard to listen to the yelling and often times they will ask you to get involved. However, if you want them to learn not to fight, you need to let them work it through on their own whenever possible.
The exception to this rule is in the event of physical violence. When things get physical, respond the way you would if the child hit another child outside of the family. Let them know that it is okay to use words to get a point across to someone, but hitting, punching, biting or pushing is not acceptable.
One or both of the children may try to drag you into the argument. When tattling happens tell them both, “I know you and your sister can work out the problem together. I believe you can do it.” This statement helps in a two ways. One, it allows you to respond to their request, but does not involve you in the situation. Two, it empowers them to come up with a solution. By saying, “I believe you can work it out” you are expressing the confidence you have in their abilities and gives them the little push they need to be creative to come up with a resolution.
If the child that started the argument is the one that attempts to drag you into it, there is a good chance it is because that child is feeling disconnected from you. It may be time to have a little “special” time with them. Fighting can be a signal that children need to reconnect with you or their parents. When you notice an increase in bickering, make note of how much personal attention you have given each child. It may be time to spend some extra time with them.
Constantl
y separating children from each other will never teach them how to work together. Working with other people is such an important lesson to learn. It will help them in school, playing with others and as an adult. If children argue and always have someone come mediate the situation, they will not learn how to compromise and get along on their own.
This is tough and there will be times you jump in as a first reaction. However, taking a step back and allowing them to attempt to work things out is going to be the best thing for them in the end.