by Marcia Hall

When children are fighting and bickering, as a nanny your instinct might be to run and fix the problem or separate them. This may be your first reaction because you believe that this is your job to teach them not to fight with people. This is a noble and proper goal, but fixing the problem does not teach them to get along. It teaches them that fighting with each other gets them attention. Generally the loudest “yeller” gets head the most. This means that you are also teaching children to scream loudly and tattle on their siblings.

The best thing you can do for your own sanity and for those children when they are fighting is to step back. Let them work it out. As a nanny and a parent I know this is next to impossible. It is hard to listen to the yelling and often times they will ask you to get involved. However, if you want them to learn not to fight, you need to let them work it through on their own whenever possible.

The exception to this rule is in the event of physical violence. When things get physical, respond the way you would if the child hit another child outside of the family. Let them know that it is okay to use words to get a point across to someone, but hitting, punching, biting or pushing is not acceptable.

One or both of the children may try to drag you into the argument. When tattling happens tell them both, “I know you and your sister can work out the problem together. I believe you can do it.” This statement helps in a two ways. One, it allows you to respond to their request, but does not involve you in the situation. Two, it empowers them to come up with a solution. By saying, “I believe you can work it out” you are expressing the confidence you have in their abilities and gives them the little push they need to be creative to come up with a resolution.

If the child that started the argument is the one that attempts to drag you into it, there is a good chance it is because that child is feeling disconnected from you. It may be time to have a little “special” time with them. Fighting can be a signal that children need to reconnect with you or their parents. When you notice an increase in bickering, make note of how much personal attention you have given each child. It may be time to spend some extra time with them.

Constantly separating children from each other will never teach them how to work together.  Working with other people is such an important lesson to learn. It will help them in school, playing with others and as an adult. If children argue and always have someone come mediate the situation, they will not learn how to compromise and get along on their own.

This is tough and there will be times you jump in as a first reaction. However, taking a step back and allowing them to attempt to work things out is going to be the best thing for them in the end.

By Marcia Hall

Imagine you are at a dinner party with your spouse. You are talking with some friends you have not seen for a while and you are having a great time catching up with them. Suddenly your spouse walks over to you and says, “It’s time to go, get your stuff, I’m going to the car.” What would your reaction be? It would most likely not be a positive one.

This is a lot like what we expect out of children every day. Whether it is a trip to the park or time spent at home, children become engrossed in their play time. Their imaginations are constantly running. For us to break that flow of creativity to tell them it’s time to go somewhere they have no choice in or control over is a lot like your spouse telling you to leave a party you are enjoying.

Children, like most adults, need to be given some warning of what is to come. They may not completely understand what “5 more minutes” feels like, but giving them some warning that the time to end the “game” is coming can make that disappointment a bit more manageable.

If when at the dinner party your spouse was to instead come up to you quietly and say, “I am going to be ready to leave in 5 minutes,” would your reaction be more pleasant? You would be given a chance to finish your conversation and say goodbye.

It is also a good idea to prepare the child for what is to come in the day. Over breakfast, you can say “today we have to go to the bank, get groceries and go to the post office. After that, we can go to the library for story time.” This is a lot like you and your spouse discussion how long you are planning on staying at the dinner party. It gives children a map of the day and lets them see what is coming.

Giving children some choices in the day’s activities can also help make the transition a little easier. If you are running errands, give them the list of what needs to be done and ask them what they want to do first.

Nannies understand the importance of play, so make sure you build plenty of that time into your day. If you spend provide play time at the beginning of the day, children may be more emotionally ready for the busy day ahead.

Children who are overtired and over-stimulated are more likely to fight against transition. Avoid letting a child get to this point. Watch how many things you try to cram into your day. Remember, adults get cranky too when we are tired.