by Marcia Hall

When children are fighting and bickering, as a nanny your instinct might be to run and fix the problem or separate them. This may be your first reaction because you believe that this is your job to teach them not to fight with people. This is a noble and proper goal, but fixing the problem does not teach them to get along. It teaches them that fighting with each other gets them attention. Generally the loudest “yeller” gets head the most. This means that you are also teaching children to scream loudly and tattle on their siblings.

The best thing you can do for your own sanity and for those children when they are fighting is to step back. Let them work it out. As a nanny and a parent I know this is next to impossible. It is hard to listen to the yelling and often times they will ask you to get involved. However, if you want them to learn not to fight, you need to let them work it through on their own whenever possible.

The exception to this rule is in the event of physical violence. When things get physical, respond the way you would if the child hit another child outside of the family. Let them know that it is okay to use words to get a point across to someone, but hitting, punching, biting or pushing is not acceptable.

One or both of the children may try to drag you into the argument. When tattling happens tell them both, “I know you and your sister can work out the problem together. I believe you can do it.” This statement helps in a two ways. One, it allows you to respond to their request, but does not involve you in the situation. Two, it empowers them to come up with a solution. By saying, “I believe you can work it out” you are expressing the confidence you have in their abilities and gives them the little push they need to be creative to come up with a resolution.

If the child that started the argument is the one that attempts to drag you into it, there is a good chance it is because that child is feeling disconnected from you. It may be time to have a little “special” time with them. Fighting can be a signal that children need to reconnect with you or their parents. When you notice an increase in bickering, make note of how much personal attention you have given each child. It may be time to spend some extra time with them.

Constantly separating children from each other will never teach them how to work together.  Working with other people is such an important lesson to learn. It will help them in school, playing with others and as an adult. If children argue and always have someone come mediate the situation, they will not learn how to compromise and get along on their own.

This is tough and there will be times you jump in as a first reaction. However, taking a step back and allowing them to attempt to work things out is going to be the best thing for them in the end.

By Marcia Hall

Imagine you are at a dinner party with your spouse. You are talking with some friends you have not seen for a while and you are having a great time catching up with them. Suddenly your spouse walks over to you and says, “It’s time to go, get your stuff, I’m going to the car.” What would your reaction be? It would most likely not be a positive one.

This is a lot like what we expect out of children every day. Whether it is a trip to the park or time spent at home, children become engrossed in their play time. Their imaginations are constantly running. For us to break that flow of creativity to tell them it’s time to go somewhere they have no choice in or control over is a lot like your spouse telling you to leave a party you are enjoying.

Children, like most adults, need to be given some warning of what is to come. They may not completely understand what “5 more minutes” feels like, but giving them some warning that the time to end the “game” is coming can make that disappointment a bit more manageable.

If when at the dinner party your spouse was to instead come up to you quietly and say, “I am going to be ready to leave in 5 minutes,” would your reaction be more pleasant? You would be given a chance to finish your conversation and say goodbye.

It is also a good idea to prepare the child for what is to come in the day. Over breakfast, you can say “today we have to go to the bank, get groceries and go to the post office. After that, we can go to the library for story time.” This is a lot like you and your spouse discussion how long you are planning on staying at the dinner party. It gives children a map of the day and lets them see what is coming.

Giving children some choices in the day’s activities can also help make the transition a little easier. If you are running errands, give them the list of what needs to be done and ask them what they want to do first.

Nannies understand the importance of play, so make sure you build plenty of that time into your day. If you spend provide play time at the beginning of the day, children may be more emotionally ready for the busy day ahead.

Children who are overtired and over-stimulated are more likely to fight against transition. Avoid letting a child get to this point. Watch how many things you try to cram into your day. Remember, adults get cranky too when we are tired.

By Marcia Hall

Nannies may have a lot of frustrations with the children they care for, but more than any other issue I hear talked about is the idea that the kids we care for lack respect. What does respect really mean?

Respect shows itself in many ways. Making eye contact, having gentle physical touch, and being responsive to requests are just a few of them. Sometimes it is easier to define a word by what it is not. I know someone is disrespecting me when they interrupt me, don’t fully listen to my thoughts and ignore or laugh at my needs.

Recognizing these as characteristics of respect, it is clear that some children do not have a great deal of it. However let’s look at this from the opposite side. Would you say that in general children are shown respect by adults? I know my answer to that question is a definitive NO.

Children learn habits and skills by witnessing someone that models the behavior for them. The same is true of respect. If you want your charge to understand and show it to others, including yourself, they must be consistently exposed to it.

Showing the children in your care respect does not mean that you let them do whatever they want. It doesn’t even mean that you treat them exactly like you treat your friends. What it does mean is that when disciplining and dealing with the many mistakes and misunderstandings the children in your care make in any given day, you talk to them in a way that shows you love and care. You listen to their thoughts. No matter how ridiculous those thoughts might seem to you, to the child they are important. You tenderly look them in the eye when you are upset. No matter how frustrated you are, you use gentle physical contact with them. You work hard to avoid interrupting them unless they could be physically harmed. You never intentionally ignore or callously laugh at a need that is expressed to you.

In short, talk to and treat your charge the way you hope someone with more experience and knowledge will treat you. If you consistently show the child in your care this kind of respect he will begin to model that same respect back to you and to others.

By Marcia Hall

Some children are naturally drawn to other children. They thrive on the energy of people around and even at times act out when they do not get the interaction. Other children prefer to be alone in their play. This is natural and nothing to be concerned about. After all, adults are the same way. Some of us are introverts and some of us are extroverts. However, it is important for our children to learn to play with other children to some degree. After all this “play” will teach the child to “work” with other people as they grow. The Lego tower that is built today may become the skyscraper of tomorrow. The compromising, accepting and collaborating tools that children learn by playing are invaluable to them as adults.

Children who are introverts often feel overwhelmed by the energy other children bring. You may have to do some persuading for these children to engage in cooperating play with others. The good news is that like most lessons, this can be taught through modeling and interactive play with you. Play often with introverted children. Avoid telling her what to do, but collaborate with her. Ask questions that will lead her to the right answers and let her make mistakes in what she does. Don’t just give in and “do” whatever she wants, but work with her to negotiate. Make it clear that there are some events which happen during your time playing that you are not completely pleased with, but that you are willing to do what she wants some of the time.

When your charge is around other children, begin by playing with your child as she plays with others. Encourage other children to play with you. It is important that you avoid using phrases like” go play with them” or “why don’t you want to play with them?” Instead use phrases like “Let’s go see what those kids are doing,” “I wonder if he wants some help with that?” and “He looks like he might want someone to swing with.” Go over to the group with your charge and sit down. She might need some direction. You could say “maybe you could help him fill up his pail with sand” or “what if you helped him climb up the ladder?”

These phrases will help your charge think and imagine what it would be like to engage with other children. As your charge begins to interact don’t immediately walk away. She might suddenly get nervous and come to you for more guidance. If your charge expresses fear of playing with the other children, validate the feeling. You can even talk about how sometimes you are nervous to talk to other grownups too. “Sometimes I am nervous about talking and working with people I don’t know, too. It is hard to be brave enough to play with someone you don’t know. Maybe you wonder if they will like you or what you should say. But I believe you have the courage to play with those kids, even though you are afraid of it. And if you don’t like playing with them after a while, you can always go play by yourself again.”

Don’t push your charge into it. This will only cause her to try and run. Be present in the play as long as your charge needs you to. Express your understanding of the fear but also your trust in her ability to learn to play with others. By doing this consistently, your charge will have the courage to play with new people and eventually will not need you by her side.